It's been a while....attitude....

Wow...didn't realize that it had been so long since I'd posted something. I cannot tell you the week I've had, and some amazing illuminations thrown in there for fun. So...I've been in this "funk", this "valley", call-it-what-you-will, it's been a downer. I walked up the valley walls a bit, and then something pulled me back down. Work has been hectic; lately it seems to have been one uphill battle after another. I feel like I've compromised more than just a couple of times on certain aspects of the screen designs. A good friend and coworker had mentioned that I have a tendency to be "high-strung", which, while I will admit that it is true, still bothered me nonetheless. No one wants to work with a drama queen, and it's gets tiring being one at times! So....I told him of my quest to have a gentle spirit. I wrote down the words "gentle spirit" on my calendar before a 4pm meeting with our technical folks to discuss one aspect of the design. I thought I'd done a good job of having a more gentle spirit than I'd had before, and the meeting went all right. Just all right.

More questions of the design came the next day, and I found myself telling the person that I really didn't care how he coded the system. More and more I found myself becoming nonchalant about the whole thing, all the while trying to accommodate and be a "team player". I had a one- on-one meeting with my boss (he is really good about those things--I'm sure he dreads when every other Tuesday comes around. Why he schedules those for only 30 minutes is beyond me, and I profusely apologize to the person who is right after me, as mine always run over. I like to talk, okay? Talking is my love language.) and I told him, although in hindsight I probably shouldn't have, that I was teetering towards apathy. Frustration should not lead to apathy, but I think at times it is human nature to do so at times, as a defense mechanism. I went from that meeting to another meeting in which I shared other frustrations, apologizing all the while for doing so.

Allow me to tell you also that my dizzy spells had started up again at the beginning of the week. About 4 years ago I was diagnosed with Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo (check out the link, all ye who laugh at me when I talk about my crystals coming loose in my ears!). I wasn't sure if the spells were due to this, or because of allergies; I deduced the former because I was taking a heavy duty decongestant. I just had not made it to the doctor's office to have them perform an Epley maneuver (it helps get the crystals back where they need to be).

So, it's difficult to be 100% positive when you're feeling overwhelmed, tired, and dizzy all the time. So, I prayed about my frustration and my attitude (I had let my frustration spill over in a conversation with another friend who actually called me on it--he asked me if I needed an attitude adjustment, to which I told him I did! Thanks, Byron, for calling me on my bad self! You are a good man, sir!). I knew my attitude was not glorifying God. I was doing the opposite of James 1:9: I was not listening, and being very quick to speak and to anger. Not good! So I prayed at work that Wednesday morning, out in my car parked on the balcony facing some trees. I pray in my car before work, all the while watching the tree limbs move as the wind blows. It's so very comforting to me--it makes me feel as if I'm watching God's handiwork with the Lord Himself passing through it. It's amazing.

I was on my way to a meeting about an hour later, and I heard myself saying these words in my head: "Laura, you control your reaction to things. You control your attitude. No one else can do that for you. It is purely in your control." Oh. My. Goodness. Are these not the same flippin' words I've told my husband and my sons? Did I think that they applied to others and not to me? How liberating these words were! I agree that the words are so cliché, so belonging on a motivational poster, but still, they were so very true.

I feel that my heavenly Father was speaking to me that morning, and I've felt a sense of calm that I haven't felt in a long time. I'm still dizzy (I went to the urgent care clinic last night and the doctor said that I had fluid in my ears, and gave me four prescriptions. 4. Fluid is causing my dizziness. Yuck. *crosses fingers* hope it'll go away soon), but it seems to be getting a bit better.

Don's best friend Amr, whose son Michael is one of Troy's best friends, and I played hacky sack at the boys' soccer practice last night. Normally we have 3 people playing; last night it was just us. He has tried to explain the need for a Zen-like state of mind when doing the hacky; I was just too much of a spaz to listen, as I sooo didn't want to embarrass myself and make him think that he wasted his time playing with me. So, as I was explaining my epiphany to him, we agreed that I should incorporate this newly found peace in my hacky playing. Wowsers! It worked so well!

So, I need to make this a habit. I need to grant myself the permission and the responsibility of determining how I am going to react to a situation. If I hold myself accountable, I can aspire to do the Lord's will, and bring Him glory. I ask for any and all help y'all can give me in this!

Thanks for being my outlet and my sounding board. More to come, but I'll not belabor this post, as it's a big honkin' one! Apologies, apologies! May I make it up to you? Read below:

May a rainbow gladden your eyes
May soft winds freshen your spirit;
May sunshine brighten your heart
May the burdens of the day rest lightly upon you
And may God enfold you in the mantle of His love.

Blessings and His infinite peace,
Laura